


It hurts once but never again

by samariumwriting



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Sex, Communication, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Referenced pregnancy, Trans Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:22:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26978785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samariumwriting/pseuds/samariumwriting
Summary: Everything that evening is going perfectly right until it goes very, very wrong.-Felix doesn't reply for a long time, but when he does Sylvain wishes he hadn't. "I don't think you should touch me right now," he says, his voice tight and laboured. He swallows three times, something strangled falling from his lips at the same time.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 12
Kudos: 81





	It hurts once but never again

**Author's Note:**

> This concept gripped my brain with force and I wrote the whole thing in one evening so please have *gestures* this. Please keep the warnings in mind (and note that while it says 'referenced pregnancy', this is about the ability to get pregnant rather than an actual pregnancy)!

"You're beautiful like this," Sylvain says, relishing in the way Felix practically glows with pride. It's hard to get him to take a compliment at the best of times, but right now he's pretty sure Felix can't do anything _but_ process all the warmth in his words.

His movements strike true, and Felix's head tips back. Sylvain grins, warmth swelling in his chest. Seeing Felix come apart at the end of a long day is the best feeling in the world.

Moving his right hand from where he grips the sheets, Sylvain goes to caress Felix once more, intent on showing him the depth of his affections. His hand moves down Felix's side, bumps over his hip bone, and comes to rest on the flat warmth of Felix's stomach.

Felix stills, and something icy slithers down Sylvain's throat. "Felix?"

Felix's eyes are no longer closed in unfettered bliss. Instead, his gaze is cold. His mouth opens once, twice, and then he shakes his head. His breathing comes in short gasps completely unlike the ones that fell from his lips only minutes before.

Sylvain doesn't need to be told. "Alright," he says, pushing down against the ugly feeling that forms in his chest. Instead, he pulls out and away, unsure of where to put himself. He scoots out from between Felix's legs, but from there...

He did something wrong. He doesn't know yet if he'll find out what.

This has happened before. Sometimes Felix just decides, halfway through, that he doesn't want this anymore. And Sylvain doesn't mind; he'd rather Felix enjoy it than not, and if Felix ever pushed through just for his sake he'd find it much harder to enjoy sex subsequent to that.

But this time... this time is different. Normally, he can half tell if Felix is bored or not feeling it, and waits for him to confirm. This time, he was enjoying it one moment, and then the next-

Felix is still attempting to catch his breath on the bed. His eyes are closed again, his forehead creased in pain. The ugly feeling in Sylvain's chest grows as he kneels there, frozen. He has no idea what to do.

"Want me to help you clean up?" he asks, keeping his voice soft. That's what he normally does when they're finished. Neither of them _finished_ today, but it wasn't like they barely got started either.

Felix doesn't reply for a long time, but when he does Sylvain wishes he hadn't. "I don't think you should touch me right now," he says, his voice tight and laboured. He swallows three times, something strangled falling from his lips at the same time.

Noise roars in Sylvain's ears. He doesn't know what to do. He fucked up, he can tell that much, but where to go from here? He doesn't a clue. Felix is panicking, struggling, and here he is, completely useless. "Okay," he manages. He doesn't know if Felix is listening.

Sylvain stands, his heart racing in his chest. The tiniest part of his body, which _still_ hasn't got the message, wants him to go and finish off in the bathroom. But he can't do that, not when Felix is right here, chest heaving and hands gripped so tightly against the sheets.

Sylvain did this to him. He has to know how to fix it.

What does Felix like when he's not in the mood for sex? Normally cuddles, but he's just asked Sylvain not to touch him. He prefers not to be naked, but Sylvain can't dress him like this. Maybe...

"Hey, Fe?" Felix's only acknowledgement of his words is a stutter in his breathing, but he doesn't shake his head. From that, Sylvain can just about justify continuing. "Do you want me to cover you with a blanket? Just for now. So you don't get cold?"

Sothis, he sounds absolutely pathetic. Felix must think he's the worst person ever right now, but that's exactly why he has to fix this. So Sylvain waits, watching for a reaction. Eventually, Felix nods, and Sylvain hurries to spread the thickest, softest blanket they have over his form.

Eventually, Sylvain gets his thoughts under control enough to realise that actually, he should get dressed right now. He pulls on the clothes Felix so hastily unbuttoned not so long ago, settling down on the opposite side of their shared bed. Felix looks up at him, just for a moment, but his eyes return to the ceiling soon enough.

Sylvain doesn't like what he sees in those eyes anyway. Glistening tears he cannot wipe away, a half-vacant expression that speaks to every mistake he made to get them here.

He stews in it for a while. He's fucked up big time, and who knows if they'll be able to do something like this again. Sylvain isn't... he's not used to sleeping with someone more than a couple of times. He's _never_ slept with anyone who's said no before; it's always been something that both parties want.

With Felix, it's different. Always has been. And sure, if he never wants to have sex again after this disaster, it isn't the end of everything or even anything close to that. It would just... be a shame. Sylvain likes spending this time with Felix when it doesn't go like this.

Slowly but surely, Felix's figure relaxes, his breathing wrestled back under control. Sylvain turns to him, hoping his face doesn't show all his more selfish thoughts. All he wants to do right now is make sure that Felix feels okay. "Better?" he asks.

Felix's gaze is still a little far away when he opens his mouth. He blinks, closes it again, and nods.

"Need some water?" Another nod, so Sylvain stands. Sometimes, when Felix has had a bad day, he'll reach for Sylvain's hand as he departs. He doesn't do that now.

When Sylvain returns, Felix is sat up in bed, blanket carefully arranged around him to hide all but his face and the top of his neck. "Thanks," he croaks, but his reach in Sylvain's direction is tentative. The ugly feeling twists in Sylvain's stomach once again; he's really, really messed this one up. How is Felix ever going to trust him again?

"Want to talk about it?" he asks, sitting down in the bed once more. He doesn't know if Felix tenses at the question or his presence, and he doesn't think he _wants_ to know.

"We probably should," is Felix's answer, and the feeling rises up to constrict Sylvain's throat.

"I want to know," he says, "if you're willing to talk about it." He nearly tells Felix that he can't have sex with him again unless he tells him what went wrong, but he doesn't think he can take a response to that right now.

Felix nods. "It's-" He huffs. "It's kind of stupid, honestly."

"Don't say that," Sylvain says firmly. "If it made you react like that, it's not stupid."

"It's stupid that I reacted that strongly, then," Felix snaps, and this is absolutely not how Sylvain wanted this conversation to go. "I just- you'll laugh."

"I am _not_ laughing," he says. He doesn't try to catch Felix's eyes, knowing that he won't appreciate it, but he's sure the conviction shines through regardless. "So tell me, if you can. If you don't want to..."

"I think you should know." Felix lets out a slightly shuddering sigh, but his voice is more even when he speaks once more. "It's... you touched my stomach."

"It was that?" He supposes it makes sense; it was the last thing that happened before Felix froze. But Sylvain can't think of _why._

"I told you you'd think it was stupid," Felix grumbles.

"No I don't." He could never. Sure, Felix wasn't always the smartest guy around, but that didn't mean Sylvain could stand for this. "I just want to understand."

"It's like..." Felix lets out a frustrated sound. Shakes his head. "Goddess, I can barely think it. I'm a fool."

"Come on, Felix."

Felix's hands clench under the blanket. Too much, then, but Sylvain can't take the words back now. "I'm trying!"

He wants to reach out, wants to try and calm him, but he knows he can't. Instead, he watches helplessly as Felix struggles to string the words together. "You touched my stomach, and you were about to-" Now, a blush rises to his cheeks, and if this were any less serious Sylvain would probably laugh.

"I was about to come, yeah," he confirms.

Felix's blush rises to his ears, and Sylvain tries not to think about how low it might have gone too. It was absolutely not the time to think about that. "I thought you were- thinking about me being..." Sylvain can't see Felix's hand, but he knows it strays to his stomach. "You know. Pregnant."

"Oh, Fe." There's nothing else to say, really. Just a gentle sigh that escapes his lungs, his hands reaching for a man who can't bear the thought of his touch. "You know I'd never-"

"Of course I know," Felix snaps. "It just didn't feel like that at the time."

"Can you even...?" Sylvain always, always used a contraceptive spell when they had sex, every single time. He'd never even _asked_ Felix about it, knowing it to be a topic that would come up when they wanted to talk about it.

This whole disaster hadn't left them with much of a choice.

"I don't know," Felix says, his voice almost impossibly tight. "I don't want to find out, and just for a moment... you do the spell. I don't know it. And if you wanted to-"

That awful, horrible, ugly feeling claws at Sylvain's chest, threatening to break out. But he pushes it down, down, because if he says the wrong thing now then everything could shatter. "I promise you, I would never do that."

Now, Felix's eyes catch his in the half-darkness of the room. They still glisten, just a little, and it makes Sylvain feel even worse for the anger he felt at Felix's distrust. "You'll swear it?" he asks.

"Without a moment's hesitation."

Felix nods, the harsh lines of his body relaxing. A sob escapes his mouth, desperate and terrible. Sylvain wants nothing more than to pull him close, but it's still too soon. "Okay," he whispers. "Okay."

They stay in silence after that, the only sound in the room their harsh breathing. After a while, Felix gets dressed, hiding his body from Sylvain's eyes. Sylvain can't blame him, but it still hurts.

Neither of them say goodnight, but they settle down to sleep anyway. They don't share the blankets like they usually do, and that slither of ice that entered Sylvain's throat when Felix froze grows with every second. He can only hope this will be temporary, and Felix will feel right again come daylight.

"Hey, Sylvain?" They should both be asleep at this point. They've both been lying there long enough, Felix's fears long dried up and Sylvain's eyelids drooping.

Still, it was no surprise to hear Felix's voice. "Yeah?"

Felix's words are almost inaudible when he replies, so quiet Sylvain is almost concerned he's imagining them. "Can I have a hug?"

A tension releases from his body then, and it's all Sylvain can do to not scoop Felix up in his arms and kiss him. Instead, he reaches out in the darkness, letting one arm fall over Felix's body. Felix tucks his head into the crook of Sylvain's neck, his hair tickling his chin.

Sylvain smiles, pulling him just a little closer. They'll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! This fic is pretty different from my usual fare (sex.....not my forte) so if you enjoyed it then a comment/kudos would be very much appreciated. I also have a twitter over @samariumwriting where I talk about fic and how much I love Felix


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